Crystal Clear, Razor Sharp

A letter to the reader

Dear blog reader,

We’ve made it all the way to the first week of December without any snow, but the clouds on the horizon say that won’t last much longer.

Winter is here. Finals are here. The end is here. Tomorrow is the last day of class.

This is my final blog for the semester – the one you have been waiting for. The one I have been waiting for.

I know the things I talked about here may seem trivial to some, overdramatic to others and unimportant to most. But it’s my life, and it’s all I’ve got. I said it on that very first day – my life is nothing spectacular, it just is. But I have learned one new thing about it – it’s mine.

It feels strange to write this. I’ve read the final chapters of other stories, but never my own. That’s what I am doing, essentially. I write a sentence or two, I pause, and then I re-read what I just said. I am reading the final chapter of my own story – Glass Girl’s journey through the fall of her sophomore semester.

I guess it’s time to ask the inevitable question then: Do I like what I see?

Let’s go back to my five questions. Now is the time.

1 – What do I want to do with my degree?

I said before that I didn’t want to work with teenagers, that I couldn’t handle their petty drama and whiny voices. Maybe I was wrong. Thinking about all that has happened this semester, all I have said, I’m not much better. But maybe that means I can understand them. There’s a girl in my apartment, a freshman, and sometimes she seems so scared. She is rude to some, ignores others, all because she is afraid. I like talking to her, because I know how she feels. Sometimes I see the things I say reflect in her eyes when we talk, and I think it helps. I think I would like to work specifically with girls. I am every girl.

2 – What am I going to do next summer?

I haven’t even addressed that question this semester, even though I intended to. But thinking last week made me realize it wasn’t terrible to be home with my family. I just don’t want to do it for the whole summer. There is a study abroad program I am interested in, they announced it this week in my psych class. I would stay in London for a month and a half, then spend the last few weeks with my family. If I split it that way, I think I can afford the trip.

3- I know I believe in God, but does God believe in me?

To this question I have truly found an answer: yes, He does. God believes in me enough to let me be stupid, to make mistakes and to learn. I resented Julie when she tried to control my life, wouldn’t I resent the same thing from God? I guess I just have to trust Him. Granted, when times are hard I will probably cry and question, but I think if I can just remind myself once the sea calms why I was asked to swim alone, I will understand.

4 – Who is my closest friend? Do I even need one?

I have a half answer to this one. No, I do not know who my closest friend is, but I do need one. I am a person who likes loyalty and companionship. I am learning I can live without the affection and attention of a man, even though I don’t like to, but I need to trust someone. I have been avoiding Julie ever since she got back from her weekend at home. When Spring semester starts, I am going to let her read this and I will tell her everything. I need to trust someone. I need to trust that she won’t judge me. I need a friend.

5 – The mystery question…

I think I know what this question is now: Am I ok? My answer is yes. I’m not perfect, I have some knots I still need to untangle in my heart and my head, but overall I am an ok person. I am ok with who I am, and even more I am ok with the person I am becoming. I am every girl, but I have the potential to be me. Maybe I’ll write a book about it someday.

It seems kind of sudden, but I have decided to end this blog. I feel a certain amount of closure here, and I want to keep that. I learned a lot this semester, and I am different than when I started walking.

Writing is therapeutic, I will certainly continue maintaining a blog, but under a different name. Maybe you’ll find it, maybe not.

Reader, in my first blog I asked you why you were reading this, and now I ask you again. Why are you still reading this?

It’s because this is life. This is my life. My life is something special, because I am just another person like you, trying to find out who I am.

Don’t forget me.

Sincerely,

Rachel Glass