Crystal Clear, Razor Sharp

Confession

I can’t believe what I’ve done. I don’t know what to do about it, I don’t even really know what I think. I can’t sort it out in my mind. That’s why I’m writing this, that’s why I wrote the poem. I am taking these thoughts and feelings and now deeds that terrify me and I am throwing them out into the depths of cyberspace, like a cry for help in a digital bottle, thrown into my dark ocean.

What have I become?

I don’t know why I did it, I just felt so lonely and so lost in my life. There are only three weeks left until finals, and in some respects I am further behind on this “path of self-discovery” than when I started walking. I want to be able to answer those questions.

But now I’m rambling…

On Saturday I cut myself. Some people won’t understand at all, I know. If you find yourself wanting to ask me obvious questions (“That was stupid – why did you do that? How does that help anything?”) odds are you don’t understand. So don’t ask.

I just wanted to be in control. I wanted to feel powerful, like the master of myself. I just made a few little cuts on my upper thighs. I guess I thought such a drastic action would make me feel better.

And it did! For one fleeting moment as the first drops of blood ran down my skin, I did feel better. I was in control, and I felt relieved. I was able to relax, just sit and watch the blood for a moment, and breathe. It was a release, the worry and the doubt didn’t matter. They were gone.

How could I have felt that way?

I’m going home tonight. It’s Thanksgiving Break, and I will get to go home and see my family. I can’t tell them, though, I could never talk to my parents about this. I’m driving back to school Sunday. The travel will give me time. Time to pray. Time to talk to myself about all of this – I don’t even know who I am anymore.