Crystal Clear, Razor Sharp

Help! My relation-ship is sinking fast!

In this world, there are lovers, there are haters, and there are relationshippers.

The lovers are people that can easily love, find love and keep love. However, they are also fine without love, because they know that if they just keep living their lovely lives, love will find them just around the next corner. They are secure. The kind of people that fall into this category are flirts, happy couples, pretty and confident females, suave males and those who struggle with commitment.

The haters are people who aren’t interested in love; they seem to do fine without it. They may be stand-offish and prone to wear dark clothing and makeup. They probably seem angry. Love doesn’t find them because it is afraid of having its limbs removed. They hang a “no soliciting” sign over their hearts. Despite all this, though, they are happy – they have an identity.

Then there are the relationshippers, as I like to call them. Us. Whatever.

I am a relationshipper, and I hate it. I always want to be loved. I am always trying to sum up whether the man I am talking to is a potential boyfriend – I do this even when I have a boyfriend. I am happiest when I am in a relationship.

I can’t carry on a casual conversation with anyone male, because even as we discuss our class sizes and our professor’s toupee, I am running through my mental checklist: am I attracted to him? Does he seem like he could somehow be tricked into being attracted to me? How have I seen him act towards other females – is he interested in someone else? CAN I GET HIM?

Why do I do this? Why can’t I just be happy with me? Huh? Why do I need the attention of some sex-driven male to make me feel like a woman? I hate the part of me that is always looking and always wanting to be with someone. I detest my desire for constant companionship. I want to strangle the voice inside my head that is constantly prodding me “he seems interested, tell him what he wants to hear before he gets away,” or “forget it girly, he’d never want you.”

I HATE THAT I ALWAYS WANT TO BE LOVED. Because I can’t truly love myself until someone else loves me.

As you may have guessed, things with Matt didn’t go the greatest. I talked to him. I think that was a mistake.

I saw him at the library tonight. I dropped my books at an empty table and began to sit down. Just as I was at the point in the motion when it is impossible to stop the movement, I noticed who was sitting just two tables to the left and slightly behind me. You got it - Matt, poring over some video game on his laptop.

It was too late to leave, I had sat down, and he had seen me. I tried to study for about 20 mins, but my psych terms just blurred before my eyes and my hands shook. Finally, I gave up. I walked over to him and I told him, stupidly and honestly, that he had hurt me when he didn’t call me and then ignored me – after all that happened I thought he would. He seemed happy to see me at first, he even touched my knee at one point, but at any question that implied I needed an answer about his level of commitment (but don’t think I was stupid enough to use those words), he looked away and shuffled his feet.