Crystal Clear, Razor Sharp

Self evaluation

I have thought more about what happened, about what I did, and why I did it. Cutting yourself doesn’t seem like a way to solve anything. I still don’t understand it, but at the time it really did. It made everything go away.

But I still can’t believe what I did. I knew that wasn’t really an answer, because it did nothing to change the situation. It gave me a few dramatic moments of release, but eventually all I had been feeling rushed back, waiting to be cleaned up along with the mess I made in the bathroom.

I had heard about cutting only briefly in some of the psyche classes I took in high school. I didn’t understand it, but it intrigued me and it stayed with me, and at times when I was upset I would think of it. But I never acted on it. In junior high I would prick myself with a safety pin at the worst moments, but I was too scared to do anything else. But just the needles made me feel better, only seeing them even, just knowing they were there. I started wearing them on my backpack.

I stopped just before high school began, and I forgot all about it until now. But I guess this desire has always been with me. And the other day when things just felt so heavy and sad, I remembered. And I acted before I could even really think.

I’ll never cut myself again. I’m afraid of the way it made me feel; I’m supposed to be going into psychology of all things!