Department of English

Spring 2005 High School Edition

If the Silence Was Louder

Elizabeth Hunter
Essay (11th-12th)
Third Place (tie)
Canyon View High School
Teacher: Cody Christensen

The piano was screaming at me.

I could suddenly remember those moments of boredom, failure, and giving up. I quit playing when I was fourteen.

My friends were getting boyfriends and cell phones. I decided that playing the piano was not that cool. There was no way it would increase my popularity status. So I quit. It was the first step to the downfall in Connie Stella’s life- that’s me.

As I sat on the couch with my heart jumping out of my throat I could feel the piano staring at me. I know, I sound crazy. But you know what I mean don’t you? It was like it was my mother going: “I told you so.”

It was 1:00 am. Keller, Mark, and Dee would be here soon. I was praying it would all work. If my mom caught me sneaking out again she’d kill me. She was catching on to things. It was the strangest thing; there were days when I wanted to just scream out to my mom all the things I had gotten into. I just wanted to tell her everything. I practiced it over and over. “Mom, I smoke pot.” But I knew I could never tell her, because she couldn’t take it. She has her own troubles right now.

I was quite envious of Dee. Her mom knew everything about her. She even knew that Dee had lost her virginity! I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my mom about that when I do.

I glanced at the clock that read 1:13. As if I was in a trance I suddenly snapped out of it from the vibrating of my phone. I had made sure it was on silent mode so my mom wouldn’t hear it ring.

As quiet as I could I opened the front door and once again I forgot about the creak it makes every time you open it. Isn’t it amazing how you never notice small sounds until you are begging for silence? Then those small sounds suddenly sound like elephants running through the kitchen.

I could see Mark’s car at the end of the street. Mark and I just started dating a few weeks ago. He is handsome. He walks with tall strides, and sometimes he pulls this face that makes me get major butterflies. He is two years older than me. Dee and Keller were in the back seat—kissing, of course. Dee is a petite girl with dirty blonde hair and very womanly attributes. She’s little, but she sure is bossy. Dee was the first person to befriend me since I moved here. I like her a lot, but sometimes I feel like she pushes me into things I don’t really want to do. I want to fit in, so I go along most of the time. Keller and Dee have dated for two months now. They say they are getting married some day. Keller is a stocky guy with a baby face. He and Mark have been best friends since they were in elementary school. Keller’s mom and my mom have been good friends since we moved here almost a year ago. Keller’s mom was so good to my mom. We moved here because my mom and dad got a divorce. If not for Keller’s mom, I don’t think my mother could function. I’m so glad that my mom has such a good friend.

“Hey beautiful!” Mark said as he kissed me on the cheek.

“Hi guys. So what are we doing tonight?” I asked.

“We are going to have a blast, Connie! My mom bought us some beer, and we’re going to a college party!” Dee said.

I like to drink sometimes, but I hate it when we just drive around. I’ve heard it a million times: DON”T DRINK AND DRIVE. It seems like Dee has never heard of that before. As we approached the house, I knew without asking which one it was. There were people all over outside. They were running around like excited monkeys. It was 1:30 so of course everyone there was smashed.

As we walked in I once again realized why I like to be in this atmosphere. I know I shouldn’t like it, but everyone is so nice. They treat me like I am one of them. There are people at school that never talked to me, that is until I saw them at a party and we took shots together. Mark held my hand as if he was letting everyone know that I was his. I like that feeling.

“ Hey Con, you want a shot?” Mark asked.

“Of course!” I replied.

I told myself that I wouldn’t get too hammered. I wanted to make sure we got home safely. I watched Dee and Keller as they took shot after shot. I smiled as I saw them laugh and jump around and get crazier and crazier. This isn’t so bad, I thought. Why do I always get so paranoid? I know I sound crazy, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the piano. I wish I wouldn’t have quit. Maybe I could practice without my friends knowing.

“Are you all right, babe?” asked Mark

“Yeah, of course! I am having a lot of fun. Thanks for picking me up,” I said.

“I wouldn’t have come unless you came. You’re my girl!” he said.

We played this game called quarters. I don’t really know what happened, but I guess I wasn’t that good at it. I ended up taking five shots in less than a half hour. By now it was 2:30 and I was drunk. I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up for long without getting dizzy. It’s about this time that I always ask myself why I drink.

I hadn’t seen Dee for a while, and Keller was sitting with us on the couch.

“Where is Dee? Why aren’t you with her?” I asked.

“Oh, I think she is in the bathroom,” Keller said.

I walked down the hall to the bathroom and I knocked.

“ Dee, are you okay?” I asked.

No answer. I walked in to find her on the floor by the toilet puking. Now I really wondered what the hell I was doing.

“ Dee, how long have you been in here? Are you alright?” I asked.

“I drank way too much. I feel so stupid.” She replied.

“It’s okay. I’ll take care of you. Let me get the guys and we’ll go,” I said.

“No! I can’t let Keller see me like this,” she said.

“I’ll be right back,” I said.

I walked down the hall and I noticed it was getting quiet. More and more people were leaving.

“Mark, can you drive? I think it’s time for us to go. Dee is really sick. She drank way too much,” I said.

“I think I’ll be okay, I took my last drink about an hour ago,” Mark replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine. Is Dee alright?” he asked.

“I knew she drank too much. I tried to tell her to slow down, but you know how she is,” Keller said.

After twenty minutes we finally got Dee to the car. Keller had to carry her. She must have felt so stupid.

As we started off down the street, I felt a sense of calmness. Okay, this will be alright, I’ll get home in twenty minutes and my mom will never know I left, I thought. Mark grabbed my hand. As I looked at him I felt like I could be with him forever. I know I shouldn’t think like that because I’m so young, but I can’t help it.

As if an hour went by in one second, everything changed.

“ Dee! What are you—” Mark shouted.

Before he could finish what he had said, Dee kicked the steering wheel with her foot. The car spun around and around and around.

That’s the last thing I remember from that night.

“Connie, honey! Oh, I’m so glad you are alright,” mom said.

As I re-gained consciousness, I hurt all over. I tried to sit up but I couldn’t. I panicked.

“What’s going on? Mom! What’s happening?”

“Connie, calm down. It’s okay. You were in a terrible accident and—”

Suddenly I remembered everything; Sneaking out, going to that party, holding Mark’s hand. Then I remembered Dee kicking the steering wheel with her leg. It didn’t make sense what had happened. Why did she do that?

“Everyone else is fine. Mark has been worried sick about you. Connie, you broke both legs and cut up your face really bad. The doctor said it was strange because your hands are fine. He said you must have protected them some how,” said Mom.

At that moment, I knew why my hands were ok. I knew that I had to go home and play my piano. It was the one thing in my life that I had complete control over. As I sat in the hospital room with exhaustion and sadness and guilt overwhelming me, I looked at my mother who had a fullness of compassion in her eyes.

“I am sorry, Mom. I am so sorry. I really messed up,” I said.

“In life, you make mistakes. You must learn from them or things will never change. I’m sorry too, Connie. Everything will be all right. I love you, and I am so glad you are okay,” she said.

I began to cry. At this point, I finally felt like I could tell my mother anything. Knowing that she was so understanding made me feel like I didn’t need to hide things from her anymore. I had to change. I had changed. Two broken legs and a bandaged face was a start.

Dee will always be a friend, but I kept myself away from her for a while. It’s now been two weeks since the accident. My legs are still hurting immensely, but my face is getting better.

The piano doesn’t yell at me anymore. The only time it does is when I get down and depressed and impatient. It keeps me from going crazy. I should have listened to the yelling that night on the couch before I left. Then again, if I had listened, I probably would have never started playing again.

Today, I am applying for a scholarship to The Julliard School of Music in New York City.

I owe it to my piano, and I owe it to myself.