Spring 2007 High School Edition
Sibling Rivalry: The Age Old Fight
Brittany Beatty
Formal Essay (11th-12th)
First Place (tie)
Snow Canyon High School
Teacher: Lenore Madden
Confessing you have a poor relationship with your siblings might be something people would be ashamed of, yet many teens and even a few adults have openly admitted to fighting within their families. Some feel their siblings are annoying, while others think their siblings are jerks. Whatever their opinions toward the other children of their family, the roots of these emotions are usually unknown to them. Psychologists now have several theories on the cause of this lack of kinship in the family unit. It seems that everything from birth order and gender to certain characteristics unique to a particular child affect the way they interact with their siblings.
The order in which the children arrive into the family has a huge impact on the way they feel toward their siblings and the type of personality they will likely develop. The first born child, especially if it is male, will have comparatively larger amounts of pressure to succeed placed on him than on the other siblings. Being the first born, he will have more time with the parents, which can lead him to pick up similar traits. As more children come along, the amount of attention and discipline given to each will decrease slightly. To the following sons or daughters, this usually means more opportunities for unrestricted development (Grose).
To hear the phrase “baby of the family” when describing the youngest sibling is nothing new to most people. In many cases, the youngest child has been over-indulged by the parents and older siblings, teaching the youngest to depend upon the support of the older siblings. What most people don’t know is that the youngest sibling can also be one of the higher achiever, second only to the first child, if taught self-reliance. To put it simply, if the younger child is given the same responsibilities and expectations to succeed that the older children have, he or she will have higher chances of performing well. In the situations where the youngest is an underachiever, the older siblings are usually much older and take care of the “baby” as if he or she were a doll and not a person.
The gender of the child can also have an effect on the relationship with their siblings. Many people might be under the impression that because two children are close in age and of the same gender they will have a closer relationship than if they were further apart in age and different sexes. Their logic may be that the children have much in common so therefore will relate more with one another. In most cases though, there is a higher chance of rivalry between such children. Dr. Sylvia Rimm of the Family Achievement Clinic summed up the problem when she wrote:
Because they [the children] are expected to act the same, the age difference typically puts stress on the younger one to keep up with the older one, causing the younger one to feel inadequate. The older one may also feel some frustration because he doesn’t receive special privileges that go with age.
In my father’s family, the first three children were male, each one born eighteen months after the other. Everything became a competition among the three; whenever one had a toy the others had to get something bigger and better. This continued even when they were older; in fact, their rivalry got worse as they got older. In high school, grades and girls were the two biggest causes of huge controversy and would sometimes lead to physical fighting as well as emotional abuse. Because my father and his brothers were so close together in age, they were treated similarly and resented each other because they either weren’t getting the respect they each wanted or they had too much pressure put on them to act just like the older boys. These ill feelings have made it impossible for my father and his brothers to have any chance of a positive relationship.
Driven by some instinctive nature, children often tend to develop characteristics distinctly different from that of their siblings. If the first child is interested in academics, many times the second will excel in something opposite, such as athletics. These differences not only allow the children separate ways to get attention from their parents, but give them each a unique identity. In fact, if a younger child begins to get attention for a talent, such as academics, in an area usually filled by an older child, the older may feel threatened and try to exclude that sibling from such activities (Rimm). What was before a simple competition for attention becomes what family therapist Robert Beatty has called “a clash in identities.”
Another example of rivalry surfaced when my younger brother Ryan was being recognized for something related to our religion. As the Bishop introduced Ryan, he said, “Ryan is a young man with a lot of spunk.” Micah, my youngest brother who is known for being the trouble maker in my family, whispered in an annoyed tone, “I’m the one who’s spunky.” To Micah, having Ryan described as “spunky” was a direct threat to his individuality. Even though Micah wasn’t angry with Ryan, he still was irked that Ryan was being recognized for a trait which had always been his.
If sibling rivalry is such a problem why aren’t there more methods being developed to put an end to it? The fact is there are some positive effects from sibling rivalry. These are simple, such as being able to control natural anger impulses. Being annoyed by siblings can help teach a
child how to react without resorting to physical or emotional outbursts. Being able to value another person’s perspective is another of the more positive effects of rivalry among siblings. As the different children grow and clash ideas, as they often do, they will be able to learn through their siblings how to see things with a different view.
Testing social boundaries through their siblings can also come from sibling rivalry. Most children’s first experience with other humans is in the home; if these children don’t learn how to control their emotions in the safety of their own family, they will likely lose many friends or quickly get themselves into other trouble. By just being with other people, especially siblings, children can develop these skills that will help them as they begin to associate with other people (“Why”).
As children grow up together in a family unit, they will eventually clash and break down into the competitive behavior known as sibling rivalry. Though the cause of this phenomenon varies from situation to situation, there are a few main theories that are generally considered the cause. The order in which the children are born into the family impacts the way the children interact with one another as well as their general development. The age and gender of the siblings affect how they treat one another. If two children are treated as a whole instead of two different maturities and personalities, they may become overly competitive in order to prove who is better. The natural talents and interests of each child can be a deciding factor in how one develops and acts toward their siblings. Though several of the effects of rivalry are negative, a few very positive traits can be learned through the socialization such as the ability to function with other people in society. All of these have a major part in the way the children are treated in the family in relationship to one another, so perhaps it’s no wonder many people find their siblings tiresome.
Works Cited:
Beatty, Robert O. Personal Interview. 7 November 2005.
Dowshen, Steve MD. “Sibling Rivalry.” June 2000. 7 November 2005. <www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/siblings.>
Grose, Michael. “How Birth Order Affects Your Child’s Behavior and Personality.” 13 November 2005. <www.positivepath.net/ideasMG4.asp.>
Rimm, Dr. Silvia “The Effects of Sibling Rivalry.” 2002. Family Achievement Clinic. 7 November 2005. <www.slyviarimm.com/sibling4.htm.>
“Why Do They Hate Each Other?” North Dakota State University Extention Service. July 1995. 7 November 2005. <ext.nodak.edu/extnews/pipe;ine/teen-6htm.>
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