Knowing your
date isn’t enough

By Nadia Lerner
The Stamford Advocate

Although you met him at school, a party or through friends, there’s no safety guarantee. Knowing your date does not protect you from date rape.
“Date rape is a very violent act” said Katie Wright, clinical director at the Sexual Assault Crisis and Education Center in Stamford, Conn. “The horrific part is that this person they have been with, sometimes for years, takes advantage of that trust and intimacy.”
According to research published on the Web site of the Resource Center for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention, www.etr.org/recapp, 85 percent of rape victims (who generally range between 16 and 25 years of age) know their assailants.
Wright refers to the Alex Kelly case. Kelly, the former Darien High School wrestling champ, was on the lam in Europe for eight years to avoid trial for rape.
Kelly was convicted in 1997 of the sexual assault of a 16-year-old neighbor in his car more than a decade earlier. Kelly was given a 16-year sentence.
His now-married victim Adrienne Bak Ortolano met Kelly at a party and trusted him to drive her home, said Wright. Ortolano revealed her identity after Kelly’s conviction and has spoken publicly about her ordeal.
“This popular, well-liked boy in high school led her to be in fear of everyone she knew,” Wright said. “(Adrienne) had terrible post-traumatic stress disorder. Her mom had to back the car into the garage,
she was so afraid of him being outside her home. She was afraid of dating, like a lot of rape survivors” who frequently lack confidence and try to isolate themselves, Wright said.
Date rape is not about romance and passion, but about power and control over another person, said Melanie Danyliw, program manager of education at the Women’s Center of Greater Danbury, Conn. The agency serves victims of sexual assault as well as domestic and dating violence.
Danyliw said it’s all connected to our sexualized society, where “males feel entitled to certain rights and subscribe to the certain stereotype of what it is to be a male: You take risks,

you’re a sexual being and you’re aggressive.”
Because sex offenders have low self-esteem, they don’t feel competent to attract someone on a consensual basis, Danyliw said, observing that their motivation comes when poor self-image combines with feelings of powerlessness.
“If you can get someone to do what you want them to do, you In addition, O’Connor said, if a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, “she is in no position to give consent at that point. If your date is passing out and you are taking advantage of her, that is a rape. The advice I always give is ‘wait until tomorrow when you are both sober.’”
While it’s fully understandable that victims would want to put the sexual assault behind them, “what we see at the center is that it doesn’t go away,” said Wright. Talking about it is the most efficient way to deal with it.
“We see a lot of rape survivors who never dealt with it, and it may come out in other ways,” she said. “They may avoid intimate relationships, take risks in life or may become socially isolated. That’s not necessary. Ten years of that is far worse than coming in for counseling for three months.”
If victims prefer a private counselor, her agency gives referrals.
“We urge them to deal with it at some point,” she said.
In a date rape, usually the victim knows the suspect, which makes it easier for the police, said Sgt. Paul Guzda, who’s assigned to major crimes in the detective-designated unit of the Stamford Police Department.
Once the victim gives a statement to the police, an investigation begins.
“Sometimes there is a crime scene and witnesses, sometimes nothing, just the victim’s word against the suspect – it’s the more difficult type of investigation,” he said. A lot hangs on what kind of witness the victim makes.
“A lot of times,” notes Guzda, “a victim tells a close friend, mom or relative long before they tell the police or clergy. The person who they first disclose to helps us corroborate (the case) – to obtain probable cause to apply for an arrest warrant. Our ultimate job is to get the bad guy.”
Following that, police often talk to a prosecutor comfortable with this type of case, he said. Next comes an application for an arrest warrant, which is reviewed by the prosecutor and a judge. If it’s signed, the arrest warrant is issued. If it’s not signed because there’s not enough probable cause, it dies.
Still, he said, “we work with the victims to get the help they need – it’s a matter of counseling and therapy. We don’t like to just say ‘we can’t help you.’”