How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
Posted: January 20, 2022 | Author: Abbie Cochrane | Read Time: 6 minutes
Any healthy relationship is bound to have a few bumps or misunderstandings along the way. That’s just how life works. However, in a toxic relationship, it can feel like the whole situation is a bump in the road. A toxic relationship is usually where one party seeks to undermine the other, be it a parent, a friend, a significant other, etc. Although in some cases, it can go both ways.
The relationship is often characterized by emotional manipulation and red flags can easily go unnoticed or ignored for fear of losing the other person. It can be tricky to figure out whether or not you’re in a toxic relationship, so, here are 10 ways that you can recognize if you or someone you know are in one.
10 Ways to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
Showing a Lack of Support
In a nutshell, this means that the other person doesn’t have your best interests at heart. You don’t feel like they support you or your goals. If things get especially toxic, they could start turning your every achievement into a competition.
Harsh Communication and Resentment
Thoughtful, kind words are usually replaced with sarcastic remarks or unnecessary criticism. A toxic person can hold a grudge for unnecessarily long periods, even for little things. People like this often play the victim and take you down with them. It involves generalizations based on placing blame, nitpicking, or overstepping boundaries. Honesty usually comes with a respect for the other person, but in instances like this, there is no such thing as “off limits.”
Jealousy, Jealousy
A toxic person will not be able to find it in their heart to be genuinely happy for the other person. Being jealous is a part of life, but usually, a person can dismiss that feeling before it takes over. However, a toxic person’s jealousy is amplified due to suspicion or insecurity. This can quickly turn into paranoia and obsession out of fear of losing someone.
Controlling Your Every Move
From not answering your phone to telling you who you can and can’t talk to, controlling finances and making important decisions without your consent first, or spying, snooping, and guilt tripping, toxic people always try to maintain total control. This can include isolating you from the other people you love so that there isn’t outside influence on you against the toxic person. If a toxic person controls you, then they believe they control the relationship. Remember, this characteristic can manifest itself in more ways than violence or anger; it can be subtle manipulation, too. This can be more dangerous, so pay attention if you think someone in your life (friend, parent, significant other, etc) is trying to be overly controlling.
Dishonesty
This is a level of dishonesty in a relationship as a whole; you makeup situations or lie about your whereabouts to avoid spending time with the other person. Where they are brutally honest with you to the point where it can be damaging, this can lead to more paranoia on your part. Trust is a very fragile thing that, once broken, can rarely be fixed completely. The added shame of lying to the other person can be just as toxic as how they treat you.
Constant Disrespect
The most common sign of this is not showing up or being chronically late. If the person tells you they're going to be somewhere or that they’re on their way only to show up hours later with not so much as a text to say they’re going to be late, or sometimes not showing up at all, that’s the biggest sign of someone who doesn’t respect your time. Often, this trait can go hand-in-hand with dishonesty, as they most likely will fib about where they’ve been.
Financial Irresponsibility
Money ties into the controlling aspect of a toxic relationship. Often a toxic person will make big financial decisions without talking to the other person first. This can include selling something of high personal or financial value, withdrawing a large sum of money, controlling bank accounts, etc.
Overstressing
One of the telltale signs that you are in a toxic relationship is if you find yourself constantly worrying about every little thing. You continually walk on eggshells to stay on “good terms” with that person. All that tension isn’t good for you, but it can be a really clear sign that something is not right if you feel this way all the time.
Ignoring Personal Needs
This is when you go along with whatever the other person says, no matter what, even if you don’t want to. Ignoring your needs can also be linked to a lack of self-care. Whether that’s neglecting your health, participating less in your hobbies and activities, and giving up all your free time.
The “I Can Change Them” Mindset
You may create a fantasy for yourself where you think that if you change your behavior, the toxic person will do the same. This is seldom the case. You might see their “potential,” or the potential for the relationship, but it isn’t safe for you to stay in a damaging relationship in the hope that things can work out.
Ways to Deal With a Toxic Relationship
If not addressed early on, toxic relationships can quickly become abusive and very dangerous. To get out of a toxic relationship, don’t turn inward--seek help from others who care about you or professionals to figure out what to do next. Get your feelings out in the open by talking to the other person. The best way to do this, especially if the other person can be volatile and temperamental, is to start the conversation with a neutral explanation. For example, say “I feel… when you say to me…” instead of “You make me feel…”. And once you’ve expressed your thoughts, make a decision and stick with it.
Whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship behind is up to you, but the important thing is to surround yourself with positivity once you choose. If you stay, you can choose to talk to someone, or if the person you’ve been having problems with is your significant other, you may want to consider couple’s counseling. The goal is to focus on yourself regardless of whether you stay or go; get yourself back in the habit of doing what you love, taking up your hobbies, spending time with family and friends who love you, and try to take care of yourself overall. It is possible to find happiness. And love yourself no matter what choice you make.
If you or someone you know is in danger due to a toxic and potentially volatile relationship, reach out to the Counseling and Psychological Services office. They have resources and trained professionals who are ready and willing to help you learn to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship or help you safely get out of one. To schedule an appointment, go to the CAPS website and view their resources on how to get started with counseling.
Tags: Mental Health Student Life CAPS
